Harry Potter Goes Totally NUTS!
by Execrator
Summary: Rated PG-13 for swearing, and other crud. Harry Potter's uber-exciting 6th year at Hogwarts! Not very humorous, just stupid. As is my custom, I included some nice CHARACTER DEATH! W00T!


Harry Potter Goes Totally Nuts!  
  
Disclaimer: You know the routine. I don't own any Harry Potter characters, I ain't J.K Rowling, Blah blah blah blah.

On with the story!  
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Rewind 40 years. Then fast forward 40 years. There. Harry sat at his home, looking through his books. He missed Hogwarts. He missed the classes, the common room, the marble sinks...Harry shook his head. Only a month until he was back at Hogwarts. Only a month, he kept telling himself. That prospect was the only thing keeping him from running into the street stabbing everybody he saw.

' _Fuck it, I want to anyway_ ' Harry thought. So he grabbed a knife, stabbed his so-called family, which took a long time since they were all so god-damned fat, and ran into the street. He stabbed about 25 people and then ran back into the house so nobody could know it was him. He was so fucking smart.

Then Ron came in his magical flying car, which Harry had seen once before. He was there to take Harry back to "the burrow" and get him away from his retarded aunt and uncle. They were dead now, but anywhere was better than here, so Harry go into the car.

"Geez Ron, I thought you'd get hear sooner, you son of a bitch!" Harry told Ron. "I'm sorry. It's just that, well, I think you're extremely gay." Ron replied. "What the hell!?" Harry half-screamed. "Oops. That wasn't supposed to slip out. Man, this is really awkward," Ron said, before continuing, "Well, just get in the car before I fucking kill you."

They drove/flew back to Ron's house, where he was greeted by Fred and George, the crazy maniacal twins who were always blowing up something or other. Fred and George also had gotten sent back to Hogwarts by their mother, who was retarded and seriously needed to lose some weight. He was also greeted by Ginny, who was crushing totally on him. Then Ginny died.

Harry spent his time at Ron's run-down, piece of shit house until it was time to get ready to go back to school. They flooed over to Diagon Alley to get their books, but it was so fucking crowded you could barely see anything. When they finally made it to the bookstore, it was filled to the brim by gay guys in dresses, giving them absolutely no hope of getting their stuff. "Well, I guess we're screwed." said Ron.

They walked out of the store and were about to leave when they saw Hermione, who was even more fucked up than last year. She told them that she had some bad news. "Hagrid died." she told Harry and Ron, who started crying and hugging and just acting really gay in general. So gay that they were sent to Azkaban for a day. When they got let out they were both extremely pissed, and were even more pissed when Hermione told them, "I was just kidding."

"Why you fucked up little whore!" screamed Harry, who, along with Ron, proceeded to beat the stuffing out of her. After about 5 days of seriously major ass-kicking, it was time to get on the train. They walked for about 4 hours until they reached King's Cross station, where they got on the Hogwarts Express.

While on the train, they met Malfoy, who made fun of Hermione's bruised and bloody body. She got really pissed off and started beating the crap out of him. Crabbe and Goyle would have helped protect Malfoy, but they had gone on an all-expense paid trip to Hell. Again.

Before they knew it the train ride was over, and they exited their compartment. While walking down the corridor they threw some first years off the train. They hoped that they had died. That would be so sweet.

As they went into the Great Hall, Peeves urinated on them. "Why you Fucked up little turd! I am gonna kill you!" Harry yelled. Then he followed up on his promise and re-killed him. He got an award of Special service for the school. Then, because he hadn't eaten in 4 weeks, he went hungrily into the Great Hall.

At the sorting ceremony some of the first years were missing. The same ones who had been thrown off the train. But that didn't matter very much, because at that moment, the sorting hat died. Professor McGonagall made an announcment. "Due to current circumstances, life is all fucked up." "Well, she got that right," said Ron.

Later that night in the Common Room, people had a drinking contest. Ron entered, and so did Fred and George. George won. Then he died. Everybody laughed and though it was a joke. It wasn't. Too bad.

The next day at Breakfast, as the owls came in, Harry started looking for his. It eventually came but it looked like it had been huffing glue. Turns out it had. It died right in Harry's bacon. "Ewwww! That is so sick!" said Neville, sarcasmwho is really smart and gets the best grades in the entire year./sarcasm

Harry grabbed Hediwg's dead body and threw it at Professor Snape, where it landed right in his eggs. Snape thought it was Malfoy's owl, so he didn't do anything about it. "Fuck." Harry though out-loud.

At Harry's first class, Defense against the dark arts, they met their new teacher. It was Dobby the Homosexual House-elf. Harry immediately threw up and fell into a coma. Dobby squealed with delight, and, his life-purpose being fulfilled, jumped out the window to his demise.

"What the fuck? Where in the fuck am I?" Harry questioned as soon as he woke up. "You were in a coma after you saw Dobby." explained Ron. "Oh, and by the way, we have a quidditch match in 10 minutes, so you'd better get ready." Harry ran down to the quidditch pitch and got his jersey on. During the game, Ravenclaw kicked their ass. In two minutes, it was 300 to 0. Then Cho caught the snitch, and the final score was 450 to 0. Everybody laughed at them and made them feel bad.

After the game, Harry went to spy on Cho in the changing rooms. It was really sexy until she died. Harry cried and cried and molested her dead body, which is about the most perverted thing you can do. Then he went up to Transfiguration, one of his least favorite classes.

Transfiguration was really gay. They had to transfigure rabbits into huge piles of shit, which is completely pointless because rabbits are already piles of shit. Damn bitch McGonagall is the biggest faggot in the world.

Then it happened. The kitchen ran out of Chocolate Frogs. Panic ensued. People were selling choclocate frogs for load of galleons. Life at Hogwarts became frantic. People started breaking stuff in their desperate need for the delectable chocolate treat. It sparked a revolution.

The revolution lasted 10 minutes. It ended when a huge shipment of chocolate frogs came. Life quickly returned back to normal. Except for the fact that they had to eat the god-damned chocolate frogs every fucking meal of the entire fucking day.

Eventually Christmas rolled around. For presents, Harry received nothing but socks. All socks. What the fucking hell. Harry decided to question Ron about this, but Ron had died the previous night due to being extremely gay.

This lightened Harry's mood considerably. He went down to the common room to see what Hermione had gotten for christmas. She got a lot of books, and also a huge wooden crate full of used tampons. Not noticing what they were, Harry grabbed a few and shoved them in his mouth.

Immediately Harry spit them out and started yelling at Hermione for leaving her used tampons all over the place. Hermione responded by kicking him full in the testicles. Ouch.

Hermione was too pissed off to drag him up to the hospital wing, so he just layer there whimpering until he decided to stop acting like a big fucking baby and get his ass off the floor. He walked determinedly over to where Hermione was sitting, and punched her in the nose.

Harry went over to Hagrid's hut to clear his mind. While there Hagrid said, "Voldemort is in the forbidden forest killing puppies and kitties. I would have done something sooner, but frankly, I don't give a damn." Harry, upon hearing of the poor innocent animals getting slaughtered, stormed into the forbidden forest, where he was immediately killed by Voldemort.

But Voldemort managed to kill himself and all of his death eaters in the process, so the world was spared Voldemort's wrath. Thank god.


End file.
